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Let me start by saying that I love, love, love my new DELL INSPIRON 14 5000. It's faster than I thought it would be and a dream to navigate. I also love my back-lit keyboard, which I didn't think I needed and probably would not have paid extra for, but it was already built into the laptop and boy am I glad it was. I will never buy a laptop without a back-lit keyboard again because it's too cool for words, and wonderful if you like to work late into the night and in a dimly lit room.

Of course, it wouldn't be my life if there wasn't a fair amount of drama surrounding the set-up of my new laptop, but I'm not going to bore you with the gory details of all of that. Suffice to say that things are going to get phoqued up when you transfer files from your old laptop to a new one. That's a given. Expect it. I actually did expect it, so I didn't panic right off the bat when my printer programs, Office Suite, anti-virus software and 47 iTunes playlists didn't transfer. I just figured that the technical support for which I paid a hundred extra bucks would take care of those problems but, no. Eventually, everything did get sorted out and only one nagging issue remains, but while I'm working through that I want to give you some tips to help you keep your sanity if you ever have to get a new laptop up and running smoothly.

First and foremost, if you're like me and cannot rest until all i's are dotted and t's are crossed, don't start the process at the end of a day, particularly if you're already tired and your patience is thin. If you wait and start fresh the next morning, you're less likely to burst into tears when, after two hours, the files from your old laptop fail to load properly and you have to start the process all over again.

Second, realize that just because a website says that service is available 365/24/7, that doesn't mean that EXPERT technicians are available 365/24/7. Apparently, experts keep regular hours and if you need one at midnight, you're not going to get one.

Third, know that while the front-line technicians are helpful and friendly and truly want to help you, their expertise only goes so far. And if they phoque something up along the way, and compound the problem trying to fix it, you're going to be worse off than when you started and help won't be available until the next morning, most likely after 10 AM. Pacific time.

Fourth, unless you've lived a charmed life which, apparently, I have not, you're not going to hook up with a technician who knows everything about every program you run on your laptop. Your best bet is to not expect this and to plan on contacting the technical support group for your printer, anti-virus software, operating system and iTunes directly. These guys know their product and how to make it work and they'll spend a fraction of the time a generalist will getting you up and running.

Fifth, no matter how much you want to scream "what the phoque" when a technician deletes something you know you need from your hard drive, unless you can stop him from actually hitting the delete button -- which, chances are slim to none that you can, don't do it. You can think it, but if you shout it out loud you're only going to scare the shit out of the technician and make matters worse. Trust me on this one.

Sixth, be aware of the fact that your conversation with the technician is probably being recorded so if you do let a "what the phoque" escape your lips and the tech hangs up on you, you're going to be the one on the hot seat, not him.

Seventh, don't be surprised to discover that you actually know more about how to find stuff on your laptop than the technician does. This is one of those things that surprised the hell out of me, and made me seriously question the competence of the technician who was helping me, but at two o'clock in the morning, you take what you can get.

Eighth, don't expect everything to work exactly like it did on your old system. Advances were made since the last time you bought a laptop and/or Microsoft Home and Student 2016, and nobody is going to turn back the clock for you. On the plus side, if you give the new stuff half a chance, you may find out you actually like it.

Ninth, be prepared for it to take several days to get everything working just the way you like it. You may be willing to keep at it without sleep, food or bathroom breaks but most technicians don't have the same level of commitment. They like to call it a day when their shift is over and the support center turns out the lights and locks its doors, and they don't see what the big deal is about telling you to call back in the morning.

Tenth, as much as I love my bluetooth mouse because it frees up a port, there is a drawback. Namely, if your internet goes down, your mouse won't work. For this reason alone, don't throw out your old mouse because you won't be able to log into your laptop after a power outage, unless you know how to work your keyboard mouse, which I don't.

Finally -- and this probably should have been first, before you even take your new computer out of its box and plug it in, down a couple of glasses of a good red Moscato. You're going to need it to deaden the pain that comes from resisting an urge to scream your head off when things don't go the way that you think they should.

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