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  • Linda Lingle

LIFE LESSONS


One cannot simply use up all the odds and ends of different colored file folders. Like things MUST be in the same color folder or the world will come to an end.

If you're getting ready for a big date on which you expect to get laid, make sure you don't put your underwear on inside out.

Buy it when you see it because it won't be there when you decide you can't live without it.

Not only should you buy it when you see it, you should buy six of them in case five break, and/or one in every color.

Camping as a Girl Scout and camping as an adult are two entirely different things.

Tell yourself whatever you want, but you really can't have your cake and eat it too.

Things change, and boy am I surprised about that.

Don't forgo traditional Christmas decorations in favor of a Martha-Stewart-like Asian theme with gifts propped on chairs instead of being placed under a tree because the universal response from your friends and family will be WTF?

When your mother says 'you'll miss me when I'm gone,' believe her.

When your father says 'it's a jungle out there,' believe him.

When your husband says you look fine, it's time to change your outfit and/or lose twenty pounds.

There is always a price to pay for every good thing that happens for you so make sure you have enough in your emotional bank account to cover it.

Cliches have a bad rap. They're like comfort food because they're familiar.

Tell people your dream and you'll put a curse on it.

If you tip a contractor, they won't return your future calls.

The most meaningful conversations you will have in this lifetime will likely be with your dog.

When you die, all of your treasures are going to be thrown willy-nilly into boxes and sold at a yard sale, or worse, put out on the curb for passersby to take for free.

Beware of enlarged photos on eBay lest the vintage necklace you buy turns out to only be large enough to wear as a bracelet.

When you find a rare book on eBay for only $15, make sure the shipping charge isn't $1,500.

Not everyone who says they're happy for you is, and not everyone who says they're never going to hurt you isn't.

If you try to shave the hair above your eyebrows with an electric razor, chances are better than good that you're going to end up without eyebrows.

What's fine with you at 18 will likely not be so fine with you at 50.

When you're having a good hair day everything goes right, even if it doesn't, and when you're having a bad hair day, everything goes wrong, even if it doesn't.

If you wash down hot chili peppers with a Brandy Alexander, you will wish you had never been born.

Shit happens, so there's no sense in making a big magila out of it.

The trouble with being a living legend is that you can never get old or fat.

When you get into the habit of organizing everything in sight, your husband will gain 30 pounds in a month because you'll feed him all the leftovers in your refrigerator for snacks just to get rid of them.

Whatever you make fun of your mother for is 100% going to happen to you.

Less is not more. More is more.

Never tell anyone anything that you don't want to read on the front page of the NY Times.

There is no such thing as being too organized, although my husband would probably disagree.

After 60, your primary goal in life is to know where the bathrooms are in every store you frequent.

When you're desperate for money to pay your mortgage and feed your kids, inevitably some 16 year old kid is going to win the $35 million Powerball.

If you ever have to choose between power and money, take the money.

If you ever have to choose between fame and money, take the money.

If you ever have to choose between love and money, well, that's a tough one, but I still say take the money.

Plan ahead but don't be obsessive about it.

Don't wear your sentiments on T-shirts if you don't want people to ask you about them.

Don't ask a psychic how you're going to die because chances are s/he's not going to say in the middle of the best orgasm of your life.


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